so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
