My friends, they love my intelligence
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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