I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
