theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
