i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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