My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
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I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
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I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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