I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
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