He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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