I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
