My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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