There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
