Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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