I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
