Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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