matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
