umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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