my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
