seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one