plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
