just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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