Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
