She is in my trunk
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
