In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
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