You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
