why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
