3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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