twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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