grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
