p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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