I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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