I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
