Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
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