im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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