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I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
