she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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