i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
