I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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