Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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