There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
