and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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