also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
where are my eyebrows?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
