I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
