I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
