I think my vagina is haunted
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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