what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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