She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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