News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I love you. Go after that dick
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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