It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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