Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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