Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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