i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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