Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
