"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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